Last of the Champions

My one last fantasy football team is playing today, for the championship. I don't know why I picked a league that plays meaningful games on week 17. Anywhoosies, I'm 2-for-2 in championships so far, so what's one more?

I'm rolling out the following lineup:
QB - Tyler Thigpen
WR - Larry Fitzgerald, Eddie Royal, Antonio Bryant, Mark Bradley
RB - Derrick Ward, Fred Jackson, Cedric Taylor
TE - John Carlson
K - Joe Nedney
DEF - Green Bay
IDPs - Justin Tuck, LaMarr Woodley, Brandon Merriweather

Projected outcome is me losing, 247 - 207.

In non-related news, America has the worst commercial makers ever. Case in point: This commercial is not from America. I don't know what it's for or what language it's in. But damned if I don't want to jump out of a plane with topless women right now.



Toppless Ski Diving Adv - video powered by Metacafe

I Think I'm Growing a Beard

Today would be like, day six, or something. I could just be really lazy over the long weekend and this could be gone by tomorrow, but I think I'm going to keep it going through next week and another four day weekend and reassess my beard development a week from now.

My hope is that this will somehow get me closer to Debbie Dunning and/or Pamela Anderson.

CCC: Like Lemmings Over a Cliff

People are lemmings. They're idiots. This is proven countless times everyday. I'd list examples, but I don't have all day. People are generally so bored and lazy these days that just about anything passes as entertainment. No one wants to think for themselves, they want to be told what's cool, what's trendy, what's funny; no one wants to risk the embarrassment of forming an opinion of their own. I don't know why, I just know what is. Fear of being embarrassed? Because it requires thought and they might have to defend their points?

Whatever. I keep coming back to my thesis: people are idiot lemmings. Tell them a cool, expensive new movie is coming out, and that it's supposed to be good, and within a week of it's release, suddenly it's the greatest. Thing. Ever. This is because people are afraid to think for themselves. So they buy the hype, they drink in the buzz and they go along for the ride.

So this is all leading me into a rather lengthy review (about 3300 words) of The Dark Knight, the Batman sequel that came out a few months ago and was immediately declared, even before it's release, the greatest film of the last __(insert # of years here)__. People immediately started fan clubs and movements for a posthumous Oscar for Heath Ledger. There was a massive groundswell of rabid, unquestioning support.

If you want to spare yourself a lot of reading, just read this paragraph of my review. Don't get me wrong. I love Batman. I my opinion, it's the greatest superhero/comic book franchise ever. I like Christian Bale. The man is the most dedicated, crafty actor of his generation. I know this is a comic book movie and there's going to be unrealistic occurrences in the film. But tell me something is the Greatest Movie Ever, and I'm going to start looking for flaws. Because you've just raised my expectations. All in all, The Dark Knight is an outstanding movie. But it's no instant classic. It's a glorified summer blockbuster. Everyone in it gives very good performances, but again, nothing award-worthy here. Everyone should just calm down and take a deep breath.

Now, on with the full review.

The Dark Knight

I rewatched Batman Begins four days ago in anticipation of getting The Dark Knight for x-mas. Reason one was to make sure I was familiar with the story in the last one. Reason two was to be for comparison purposes. Here are some observations and thoughts I had watching this.

Gotham City
Was it just me or was it made to look dingy and dark in Batman Begins, because it was so overrun with corruption? The lighting was often pale and the streets had that creepy glow and feel, with steam coming out of sewer vents. But now it’s glossy and the exterior shots look clean and shiny. I know Gotham is on the way to being cleaned up, but it’s not there yet. Why the makeover for the city?

Wayne Tower
Is it just me or does this look nothing like the tower in Batman Begins? The building wasn’t destroyed in that film was it? Not that I recall. And if it was damaged to the point they’d have to rebuild it, how could they rebuild a massive downtown high-rise quicker than they could rebuild Wayne Mansion?

Opening Scene
We jump right into a push in on a large shiny building, where a masked clown shoots a window out. It’s apparent we’re already up to our neck in some kind of shenanigans, but there’s no setup, no back story. They drop it in as part of the dialogue between characters, but it seems forced and rushed. This strikes me as an odd opening, but it becomes apparent as the film runs on for over 2:20 that this was probably done this way due to time constrains.

Joker Standing On The Street
A better setup would’ve been to see him walking around on the street, getting to the corner where he’s picked up. When he takes his mask off at the bank he’s got his makeup on, but he didn’t have time to put it on in between. So he had to stand on the street corner in his makeup. Wouldn’t this strike people as odd? The Joker is already making a name for himself, so surely someone would’ve recognized him.

The Joker is noted as an anarchist, not one for having a big plan. But the characters in the opening bank robbery scene seem to all have had a sit down, separately, where they went over the robbery plan in some detail with, presumably, Joker.

Sound Mixing
The background music is way too loud. I also think it’s featured too prominently throughout most of the movie. I know they went to great lengths to create this anxious, tense music and they want to set a tone, an ambient vibe for when the Joker is about to do something or is on camera, but this is silly. It’s all music, no substance.

Fake News
Too much of the plot is advanced through the news reports. I don’t know if this is supposed to be a commentary on modern media or what, but I hate watching people watching TV. There’s nothing that feels like more of a waste of time. Once or twice in a film, ok. I can see how that could be a necessary plot device a couple of times. But there’s like seven cuts to “GCN” – Gotham City News.

The Tumbler/Batmobile
How come no one ever shoots it in the tires? The first scene, which seems pretty unnecessary, just inserted for some quick action, the tumbler crashes into a parking garage and “poses” for a second while gunmen open fire on it. Lots of bullets seem to ricochet off the frame, but not one shot seems to catch it in the tires. With run-flat technology being what it is and the heavy duty construction of the tires, it could probably withstand some shots. But considering how much it jumps around, cuts and the general pounding the Tumbler takes, any weakness in the tires could become a big problem, real quick.

Bat Gadgets
Hope they don’t start relying on new bat gadgets in the story too much in future films. If I wanted to see that I’d watch any James Bond film. Batman uses his wealth to have these gadgets. He needs them; he’s just a regular guy. But his gadgets should be a means to help him defeat his opponents, not the reason he’s able to defeat his opponents. The reason Batman triumphs is because he’s a bright, determined man. But just a man. The reliance on too many trick weapons makes him just a masked 007 clone.

Defying the Immutable Laws of Physics
My biggest annoyance in any film, the sheer ignorance of what would really happen in a situation instead of what would make the best looking grandstand in a film. In his first appearance, where the criminals are trying to drive Batman out, Batman jumps down several floors of a parking garage onto the roof of a van which is being driven by Scarecrow trying to escape. The roof collapses and it’s not shown, but I’m sure he’s probably pinned, but why does the van immediately stop? Scarecrow’s foot was just on the gas. If someone lands on his head, he’s probably going to slam on the accelerator, not the brake.

And no, a 200+ pound man landing on the roof of a van isn’t enough to stop it dead in its tracks.

Substitute Batcave
I understand that Wayne Mansion is being rebuilt, hence no batcave. The underground bunker substitute seems ridiculously spacious. What happened to Batman keeping a low profile?

New Rachel Dawes
I couldn’t be happier that there’s no more Katie Holmes-Cruise. Maggie Gyllenhal is an alright substitute at first glance.

Harvey Dent/Two-Face
I didn’t realize his character was featured so prominently. I thought that this was a Joker vs. Batman movie. The involvement of a third major character means further watering down/complication of the storyline. I’m sure it also explains the extended running time.

Buying a plane for Cash & Flying it Over Hong Kong
C’mon. Maybe no one who’s seen the movie has ever flown privately, but the one thing I learned while in pilot school is that the FAA is even more uptight than the IRS, if that’s possible. Fart the wrong way and they investigate you. And since there are a lot fewer airplanes than cars flying around, it’s a lot easier job than you’d imagine. An unregistered plane doesn’t get off the ground and fly anywhere near civilization without being shot down. The type of plane that Wayne buys can’t make a flight across the Pacific due to fuel capacity. And it’s definitely not flying over a foreign country, particularly one as developed as Hong Kong without registering a flight plan or being shot down.

Joker Infiltrates Mob Hideout
You mean no one checked to see if he’s dead?

Batman Hand-to-Hand Combat
His moves seem choreographed. Overly choreographed, because of course they’re choreographed. He’ll strike one guy, then pauses momentarily, waiting for the next attacker to hit his mark. It seems like they’re fighting almost in slow-motion. He’s telegraphing his moves. Why people fight him the way they do is silly. The clumsy awkward swings these thugs take at Batman is just stupid. No one fights like this. A guy tries to hit Batman high, in the head. Batman deflects his punch away, and then cocks back to throw a right haymaker. The guy who threw the punch just stands there waiting to be hit. No attempt to recoil, no attempt to block or defend himself. And how come every time Batman punches someone does it sound like a small bomb has been detonated. These sound nothing like punches landing on human skin.

Escaping Hong Kong
The explosion can be seen blowing fire and shrapnel twenty feet out the window. Yet shots from inside the building show not a whiff of smoke or a sliver of glass flying near Batman and Lao. The explosive were on the outside of the window. They would’ve broken the windows by detonating them inward, not outward.

Batman Rescues Rachel
How come every time Batman jumps off a building and lands on a car he’s never hurt? He landed on the van at the beginning and was fine. He saves Rachel, seems to fall about 15 stories, can’t deploy his wings to break the fall and lands on his side on top of a taxi. He’s a little out of breath but fine. The suit can stop a knife, ok. But a 200+ pound man falling fifteen stories onto a car….there’s no amount of padding for that. And furthermore, why is there always a car right where he’s falling? He never hits the sidewalk? Not once?

Transferring Dent to County Jail
So much wrong with this scene. The Tumbler taking the garbage truck low….nice try. But the garbage truck wins in terms of mass. The Tumbler wins in terms of leverage. And their velocity is about the same, so this collision should’ve been a push. But no, the Tumbler gets under the truck, and somehow has the velocity to drive it backwards into a pillar.

The bat bike is ridiculous on a number of fronts. We know they built a real prototype which is drivable. But the way it maneuvers and handles at the rate of speed it’s driven at is just asinine for people to believe. Even worse, the two gimmicky looking moments when its front wheel spins sideways for the sharp corner and the bit where it drives up a wall and rotates the body in mid air.

And don’t get me started on the way the fifth wheel tractor trailer goes end over end. That hitch would never hold through the flip. It would come apart and the truck would land in a crumpled, but crooked heap, not just flip over onto its roof.

Joker In Jail
Why does Gordon uncuff him? So Batman feels a little less bad about beating around a handcuffed criminal? After all that, why does the guard have to stand in the room? Nothing good can come of it. Joker can only kill him or get hold of him and use him as a hostage. And being that he’s mentally unhinged and uncuffed, doesn’t that seem entirely plausible?

Dent is coughing and spitting that fuel everywhere, including the side of his face that doesn’t get torched. So why doesn’t that side burn?

And when Joker makes his phone call and the bomb goes off in jail. How come the force from the blast knocks everyone down and incapacitates them, except for Joker?

I love Alfred’s little tale about a bandit in a forest somewhere. Robbing and killing for sport, for the thrill, for no other reason but to fuck with people. And like a terrorist there is no negotiating, no trading, and no talking to them. So to catch him, they just burned the whole forest down. It’s an apt little metaphor for the dark places inside himself Batman must tap into to catch Joker.

Batman’s X-Ray Vision
It’s supposed to be sonar, I know, generated by cell phones. But the building is largely empty, so there’s no cell phones on most of the levels to tap into, if that’s even possible. Furthermore, sonar doesn’t work like x-rays, seeing through walls, through steel girders and thick concrete walls to other floors and other rooms. Sonar works by sending out wavelengths which then bounce off of things. Judging by how long it takes to “ping” something and how many “pings” you get in response you can tell how close an object is and, roughly, how big it is. It won’t paint you cute little digital reproduction of how many people are in a room on a different floor, or how the furniture is arranged in your neighbor’s apartment.

I could do without a lot of the ferry footage. All the petty hand-wringing over detonating the other boat to save themselves can be safely assumed. It’s the end result that counts, not how they get there. And given the time the film runs, a lot of it would’ve been easy cuts for me.

Two-Face’s Last Stand
Batman survives another four or five story fall, this time onto bare dirt, with nothing to break his momentum other than his legs. He gets up, talks to Commissioner Gordon and runs off into the night. I know this is a comic book action movie and you have to suspend disbelief somewhat, but if falling five stories onto your ass won’t hurt Batman, what possibly will?

Questioning Reality
The logistics of much of this doesn’t make sense often times. There’s the whole gravity thing which I’ve covered. There are mechanical and technological issues, which I’ve tried to touch on. And then there are the technical and spatial issues, mostly with all the explosions going on. Joker jokes about how cheap gunpowder and gas is, and he’s seen sliding down a mountain of cash, so resources aren’t a problem. But moving all those explosives around and rigging them on the timers is a delicate and time consuming process. Not just any former convict escaped from a mental ward can do it. But within seemingly just a span of days and sometimes hours, the buildings Dent and Dawes are contained in, Gotham General, and two ferries are rigged with thousands of cubic pounds of explosives? More thought goes into rigging the annual 4th of July fireworks shows on the riverfront here in St. Louis than this mass carnage. And no one in Gotham General noticed all the explosives set to implode the building?

Joker: Nicholson vs. Ledger
Physically, Ledger is a better Joker. Nicholson was just too short. He looked like a circus clown in the pancake makeup perfectly done and the high-waisted pants on a little man.

They’re both psychotics, but Nicholson seems dimwitted in comparison. Nicholson seemed gleeful that he was now a big-time member of Gotham’s crime element. The way he danced through the restaurant to meet with Kim Basinger is a good example of this. Ledger is darker more into fucking with people than just stirring shit up. Nicholson gassed a major parade. Deranged, ok. Ledger’s Batman keeps giving people choices, forcing them to confront their dark side, to embrace it and use it in order to survive. He breaks the pool cue in two and forces the three gangsters to fight to the death. The prize for the winner is a spot in his organization. He sends detonators to both ferries with the choice: I’ll blow you all up in one hour unless you turn on the other ship and one of you blows the other up first. Then they just have to live with the guilt, knowing they’re one step closer to embracing his mayhem. Ledger’s Joker was a darker, more mentally-ill psychotic.

Now, much of that was the writing. And a whole bunch more of it's effectiveness is good makeup. What is to Ledger’s credit is his basketcase speech pattern, the way he draw out his words. His constant lip-licking. His alternating soft-spokenness and growling. His twitchy, shifty-eyed musings. Nicholson seemed docile and medicated. Like not even he could understand what he was doing because he was doped to the gills. But Ledger’s incarnation is an off-his-meds-and-out-of-his-mind type scary. You never know if he’s going to laugh in your face or stab you in the neck.

But not even Ledger’s Joker is that scary. I wasn't up all night because I was so disturbed by it (example: I was having trouble sleeping after seeing Zodiac. That was scary). We never actually see him kill anyone. He puts a knife to people. He fires a gun at people. The implication is that he kills. But we never see it in any gory details. And by insulating the audience from that, we never get maximum terror from the madman Joker. We never see his post-murder glory, which is half the sickening nature of Joker, his total disregard for human life. The film’s makers did this to still get the PG-13 rating, so they could cash in not just with the adults, but the teenagers out with friends and dates, and even the 5th-8th grade crowd tagging along with parents. If they wanted a truly menacing character, they should’ve showed him do the full deed a time or two instead of cutting it short.

I don’t get how Joker is supposed to be this simple, lunatic anarchist, who doesn’t have an agenda, doesn’t have a plan. He’s just a madman on the loose. He tries to pass himself off as that, and so do other characters. Like a rebel without a cause. But he seems very planned out during the bank robbery, the attempted assassination on the mayor (kidnapping fifteen cops and posing as them, with the timer on the window shade), his escape from jail and setting Batman up to decide between Rachel and Dent, and his whole plot to knock Harvey Dent off his shiny, dignified pedestal by slowly turning him into a murderous lunatic of his own. Seems pretty cunning to me.

As far as this talk of an Oscar goes, I think that’s the real lunacy. A memorable, good character Ledger was, but this isn’t the type of role that wins those awards. This is a glorified action movie. There’s too many characters working their own story lines to allow for any real development of any one character here, and all of Joker’s screen time is spent on his anarchy and destruction. Joker is passed off the most easily of anyone. He’s a simple nutjob who loves killing, and explosions and fire and living without any rules. There’s not supposed to be any reason he ticks. He has no relationships with anyone to explore, therefore there’s no depth to be mined from the character. There’s a reason all those artsy character-driven movies seem to win all the awards. Because the actors who play those characters have to carry much smaller casts, for much longer periods of screen time. They have to explore their characters more deeply and in more situations than Ledger does as the Joker.

DVD Packaging
I think this is a hearty sham job Warner Brothers is putting on people. Good film, worth buying, yes. The jewel case and slip cover is alright. But $24.96 worth? I think not. The second feature disc is mighty bare. There’s a making of feature and a making of the music feature. These are both very interesting and fairly long. The making of feature has the interview audio so low and the musical score so loud though that unless you’re sitting two feet from your TV, you have trouble hearing the soft spoken (or poorly recorded) Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale, among other cast & crew. But the rest of the second disc is your basic boring slideshows, cast & crew credits. Sure there are the full-screen versions of the seven or so GCN “News Reports”. Wake me up when that shit ends. There are also the eight or so scenes that were shot in IMAX, split out from the movie. I don’t know why we need second copies of these? Can’t we just rewatch the movie? How is this necessary?

My biggest pet peeve is that there are no commentary tracks. I like hearing what a director was thinking during a scene, what technical hurdles and tricks the crew faced with a particular location or stunt, or what actors found amusing or interesting during the making of the film. I want to get some information about what it was like to be there making the film. But there’s no such insight.

The biggest reason for the inflated price tag seems to be that if you insert the DVD into your computer, you have a code so you can make a digital copy on your computer. This is what consumers have long been clamoring for. Most of us don’t want to flood the streets with bootleg copies. But we want to be able to make copies of something we legally paid for and acquired in case we lose or damage our original copy. If your product is so good that we take it to a friend’s house to watch, or that it’s so good someone would want to steal it, then we want a little insurance like that. But we don’t want to pay $8-$10 extra bucks for it.

This is a case of one step forward and one step back in terms of bonus features.

FINAL ANALYSIS:
Harvey Dent was supposed to be Gotham’s white knight, an incorruptible, happy face of all that is right to rally behind. But when you bill something or someone as a knight in shining armor or the greatest film (of the year, of all comic movies, ever, etc….) well, it opens up everything for scrutiny. And beauty often seduces us on the road to truth. There’s a wonderful parallel between Harvey Dent and The Dark Knight as a film. Harvey Dent did a lot of things right, and that was good for the city. But when he became the golden boy, the chosen one, he was put under a bigger microscope and the imperfections began to show.

Tell me The Dark Knight is a great, great film. One you’ll rewatch many times over and be entertained, and I’m right there with you. Tell me it’s the film of the years and Heath Ledger should be airmailed an Oscar, and I’ll start looking for reasons to tell you why not. And that’s how I feel after months upon months of hype and now finally seeing the picture. Very good, yes. Great? No, not quite.

For starters, the star here is Christian Bale, the hero is Batman. But with the juicy plot lines of Joker, Harvey Dent/Two-Face, and even Commissioner Gordon, Wayne/Batman is marginalized. He’s pushed to the fringe of the spotlight with a watered down part. Bale’s Batman is still the best ever. And now Ledger’s Joker is the finest incarnation of that character as well. But the sum of the parts here doesn’t equal the greater whole. The development of a young Bruce Wayne, from childhood to finding his way as Batman in Batman Begins still triumphs this picture. At the end of Batman Begins I got chills. I felt something that can’t be put into words. We see the full idea of Batman come to fruition. Bruce Wayne goes from troubled, angry youth adrift in this world to full-fledged hero. Here, we learn little more about Batman. It’s a new villain or two, new challenges, and Batman going through the motion to keep Gotham safe. The action is still great, but the story that action gift wraps isn’t quite as good; it doesn’t tug at you the same way, therefore, it’s not as good.

Report Card
Christian Bale/Batman/Bruce Wayne............A-
Heath Ledger/Joker.........................................A
Aaron Eckhardt/Harvey Dent/Two-Face.....B
Gary Oldman/Commissioner Gordon............B+
Maggie Gyllenhall/Rachel Dawes....................B
Michael Caine/Alfred........................................A
Morgan Freeman/Lucious Fox.......................B
Rest of Cast........................................................B-
Writing................................................................C+

Overall: 8.0/10

I see that about 400,000 voters at IMDB have given this an average of 9.0 and that it's ranked the #4 film of all-time on their site. Seems a little knee-jerk to me. Look, it's good. But it's not great. Check back with me in 10 years and we'll see if it's aged as well as the other great films throughout history. On another note, I'm becoming concerned with Christian Bale. He seems to have stopped taking interesting characters in challenging roles in smaller films for big production, glitzy features. He was locked into this one, I know. But his next film out of the shoot is going to be the new Terminator movie. I don't know how he's going to shine in the role of John Connor. It's been done before, and the focus of the Terminator movies is always the machines and elaborate fight scenes. Seems like a waste of his acting talents to continue taking these roles.

Finding That Christmas Spirit

I've spent the last couple of days battling the elements and my own annual holiday reluctance. For starters, it's been about 4 degrees the last two days. Sure, the high made it all the way up to 12, but with wind and the desolate chill of the night dropping further in the other direction, I'd peg the mean temp at about four degrees for the last 48 hours. This year, only my hot water froze. Last year it was all of it. So I spent the weekend shower-free. More fun.

I moved the space heater into the bathroom and cranked it up to max, closed the door and hoped for a quick thaw. It was quite the contradiction. I'd walk into the bathroom and it would be 90 degrees. So hot and stuffy it was hard to breath. Then I'd walk out, close the door behind me and the rest of the apartment has to be in the high forties. It took time, and the piercing heat of a 14 degree high today, but we did it. I came home to hot water in the shower.

I've also spent most of the last couple of days sipping ginger ale, monitoring my fantasy football championships, and watching some festive holiday movies. I have two first place finishes and a third so far, and my one other team earned a trip to the finals next week. So that's been good.

On the Christmas front, it's another ambivalent year. I didn't get smashed at the office x-mas party again, I did worse. I got just buzzed enough to sing karaoke for about two hours. You should've seen me knock Tears for Fears out of the park. I also filmed most of it. Why? Who knows? But it was disgustingly awful. Although I did get to covertly film a couple of nice sets of cleavage. I had a co-worker make out with me after a Christmas party for one of our brokers two weeks ago. So maybe I had the camera out in case she wanted to get even more randy.



If it's going to be this cold, it should just snow already. Because then at least I could go outside and play with the pup. But when it's this cold, there's no playing. So instead I can sit around and re-rank the greatest Christmas movies of all time. When I last left off, this is where we stood. Here's what I'm thinking right now:

Rank. Film (Year Released) Last ranking...peak position

10. The Santa Clause (1994)...9...4
I still like Tim Allen in this role, but it looks weaker compared to the classics. And the kid is still annoying as all get out.

9. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)...10...9
I still haven't gotten the chance to rewatch this in the last couple of years, but every time I see the cover of the Jim Carrey remake it makes me miss the original just a little more.

8. A Christmas Carol (1986)...8...8
I wish they'd run this on tv. I can't find it anywhere on the Internet illegally, and I don't really want to pay solid money for it. I can wait you out, WB11.

7. Elf (2003)...6...6
Will Ferrell. James Caan. Artie Lange? Why not.



6. Scrooged (1989)...5...5
Just rewatched this Monday night. Still solid, but anything here between 6-9 can be flip-flopped in any order.



5. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)...7...5
Watching this now. I jumped this over Scrooged because Chevy Chase is a smidge better in his starring role than Bill Murray.



4. Frosty The Snowman (1969)...4...4
Watching this next. I'm partial to the classics.

3. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)...3...3
Holding steady. Just rewatched this prior to Lampoon.



2. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer (1964)...2...2
Hoping I can catch this on tv here in the next couple of days. I love the '60's Fu Manchu that Burl Ives' snowman character had. How'd they know it would be so popular?



1. Bad Santa (2003)...1...1
Also rewatched this last night. It's the post-modern masterpiece of new Christmas movies. An instant-classic.

Auditing My Self-Progress

So about a year ago, I set these goals for 2008. You know me, I'm more analytical than Freud. So let's go through these and see what kind of success I had for meeting my goals and, uh, I dunno, experiencing a personal growth or some hippie sounding bullshit.

1. Eat less. Result: Push. Hard to track this. I had ups and downs.
2. Become a minimum of 18.79% more environmentally friendly. Result: Success. Hard to quantify the exact percentage here, but I didn't wash my truck as much, so I wasted less water and flushed less soap and chemicals into my folks' yard. Also, on the subject of water conservation, I almost always peed in my shower if I only had to pee rather than the toilet and flushing. I also kept to recycling all year long and I think I even farted less, so +1 to you, Mr. Ozone. Also, I donated money to the Save the Tasmanian Devil cause.
3. Open a predatory bird sanctuary..... Result: Undisclosed. In the interests of national security, I have no comment on this. And don't read too much into all the bird droppings always on my truck.
4. Fix broken taillight on truck. Result: Success. Barely. I broke it in mid-December 2007, and I ordered the new part in early November 2008.
5. Finally get around to my Manifesto. Result: Failure. I could grasp at straws here, but while I came up with a few things and jotted them down, there is no actual Manifesto to speak of.
6. Start own religion. Result: Incomplete. Hard to start a relgion based on a Manifesto when you don't do the Manifesto.
7. Pay MORE in taxes for political leverage. Result: Yup.
8. Launch joint partnership into Jack In The Box tacos. Result: Failure
9. Stop shoplifting paperclips, start shoplifting more useful items. Result: Success. I haven't had to actually shoplift anything useful because I really loaded up on some sweet gel ink pens at the PIIAI convention this year.
10. Petition the FDA about Girl Scout Cookies. Result: Failure. I wasn't as motivated to do this as I didn't get hit up to buy any cookies.
11. Bank error in my favor. Result: Success. This might be a technicality, but about four years ago I bought a bunch of diet pills from Trim Spa. What shows up in my mail this year sometime in August, even after I've moved since? A check for something like $12 or $16 for a Federal Trade Commission lawsuit against the drug's makers. I'm claiming it.
12. Breed master race of intellgent dogs. Result: Failure. I can't take full credit here. While I did get a puppy, Sadie, and while she is extremely good at understanding a wide variety of commands and hand signals at about 8 months old, she does not satisfy the entire portion of this goal that was a run-on sentence about the Homeland Security Dept using them to protect landmarks.
13. Stop being irritating prick at the office. Result: Success. I'd say I've come a long way in office relations in the last year. Next year's goal will be to come a long way in sexual office relations.
14. Urinate in public more to cut down on use of water. Result: Another big check in the "HELL YES" column. I think I've blogged about several urinating in public incidents this year.
15. Buy cooler shoes. Result: Success. I'm on fire. I got this one done very early in the year. I'd say my $80 Asics running shoes qualify as cool, and getting them for $24 on clearance counts.
16. Get a haircut. Result: Success. Luckily the goal wasn't get a better haircut, because I'm not sure I would've passed that one.
17. Get American Idol taken off the air or marginalized... Result: I'm claiming success via a very distant, couple time removed connection. The show has been marginalized a bit. It's not the juggernaut it once was. There are a lot of factors contributing here. But one certainly is that Howard Stern's massive audience jumped on board with a website (votefortheworst.com?) and their idea to vote for the worst possible candidate to go as far in the show as possible. And Sanjaya made it as far as what, #8? He made it so far they had to put him on the Idol Tour. And it drove the regular fans nuts, the people who should be locked up or castrated for being kooks. I subscribe to Howard Stern, so in some way, I'm connected to this occurrence.
18. If elected Dictator for Life, free Paxil for everyone. Result: Push. I wasn't elected President/Dictator for Life, so this one is null and void.
19. Stop putting Canadien money in Salvation Army buckets during the holidays. Result: Success. I didn't put any money in their buckets. I prefer to save Tasmanian Devils.
20. Stop snickering when people say "penal code." Result: Push. I don't recall anyone using the term in my presence this year.
21. Pull my weight in the whole "world peace" movement. Result: Success. I'm all for getting the hell out of Iraq. And I think gays should be allowed to marry and make themselves miserable just like most hetero couples. I think those count.
22. Bump heat up to 58 during winter months. Result: Incomplete. Winter isn't over. I've touched 58 degrees a couple of times, but this goal implied I kept it steady at 58. That hasn't happened yet.
23. Work on juggling skills. Result: Success. I tried, but little progress was made.
24. Stop making stupid bullet-point lists. Result: Not even close, mark it zero, Dude.

Final Tallies
Sucess: 13/24
Failures: 5/24
Push: 3/24
Incomplete: 2/24
????: 1/24

That was actually a pretty successful year for me, personally. Way to go self!

Inside the Glory

Many a fantasy championship roster probably prominently feature a couple of participants in tonight's Indianapolis @ Jacksonville game. Let's survey the (potential) damage:

Melvin Eats Blubber
I eeked into the playoffs (but earned that spot, nonetheless) then soundly dispatched of the #1 seed, a 10-4 team, by 18+ points. I might've been a little lucky in that his squad really seemed to peak about three weeks ago. This week it's the title bout and I'm up against the #2 seed, a team named FreightTrain, who concluded the regular season with a 9-5 record and knocked me off twice in the regular season. Now the tables have turned, as I'm a 39-point heavy favorite. One of my QBs is Peyton Manning, who I will be doing a raindance for to rain TDs upon the Jaguars secondary.

Tobias Is Queen Mary
I wrapped the regular season at 9-5, then drew the same opponent in the first round. His team has fallen apart, so it was another easy first round victory. This week I've got the #7 seed, some dude named Fighting Irish who finished the regular season at 6-8. How you're allowed to make the playoffs with a record like that is beyond me. I'm a 37 point favorite. That's not a giant margin in this format, but it's substantial.

Triple Midgetation
I bullied my way through the regular season and I'm doing the same in the playoffs. Two weeks ago I bounced the #8 seed, The Bomb Squad, by 70 points (an unbelievably huge margin in this league's format), I followed that up last week by sending the #5 seed, Up North Colts Fan, home with a 32 point spanking, and in the bottom half of the bracket, I got some favors. The one or two other teams I was impressed by got knocked out by the #6 seed, someone calling himself Aesir, who was 6-7 in the regular season and is now smack talking himself up as "this year's Cinderella." I quickly reminded him that at the end of Cinderella, she turns back into a dirty broad riding in a pumpkin. He hasn't responded. I'm a 19.5 point favorite this week, which is still a pretty sound asswhupin'.

Dr. Funke & Frank the Tank
I lump these two together because they both crashed and burned. Dr. Funke wasn't such a surprise. As the #3 seed, I slipped by the #6 seed, a 6-6 squad by 22 points two weeks ago. Ok, that was nice. But last week, I ran into the #2 seed, a 10-2 squad that's about as much of a buzzsaw as Frank the Tank (11-1*) was. I got trounced by 26 points. Meanwhile, captain buzzsaw, got a kick in the seat by the #5 seed, the retardedly named ??????????, who was a paltry 6-6 during the regular part of the slate. Almost to a man, Frank's roster tanked their performances. Despite that, I was still in the hunt up through Monday night. But Brian Westbrook, chief punk scapegoat on this team, managed only 9 of his projected 29 points. So I lost and now I have to play with myself. Wait. Now I have to play myself. That other part comes later.

In Your Face With a Can of Mace

With the Sunday and Monday night games to go, it's already safe enough to call all four of my fantasy football matchups for the week.

Melvin Eats Blubber
Needing a victory to make the championship round of the playoffs, I'm up 232.83 - 174.90. I have Redskins tight end Chris Cooley (9.59 proj. pts) and Carolina middle linebacker Jon Beason (9.50) to play, while my opponent is done. I'm finishing the regular season at 7-7 and in fourth place. See you in the first round, baby!

Tobias Is Queen Mary
Last game of the regular season here, I can't move up or down, but I won anyways, 155 - 64. Both my opponent and I are out of players to play for the week, so that's a final. I finish at 9-4 and get the third seed.

Two more teams into the playoffs. Everybody dance, NOW!


Triple Midgetation
First round matchup. My gamble of Tyler Thigpen over Tony Romo at QB was the right one. Thigpen went for about 15 points (187 passing yards, TD, 34 rushing yards) while Romo was good for just 8 (210 passing yards, TD, 3INTs, 6 rushing yards). I'm up 104.78 - 85.66. I have Carolina running back DeAngelo Williams playing tomorrow (14.79 proj. pts) while my opponent needs a miracle to the eighth power from the Tampa defense (6.02 proj. pts). Second round, bitches!

Dr. Funke
This first round battle was closer than I'd have liked, but I'm up 167 - 156.5 right now. My opponent is out of players while I still have Jon Beason and Carolina placekicker John Kasay playing tomorrow. Those two, along with my nearly 9 point cushion should be just enough to make sure Yahoo doesn't fuck me out of a win, which they tend to do when all four of my teams win in the same week.

Two teams through to the second round. All the fat girls in the house bust a move!

New Segment: Crazy Old Man of the Week

Hard to imagine a more deserving man as the inaugural winner of the Bill's Baloney Crazy Old Man of the Week Award (BBCOMWA, hereafter) than this Philadelphia-area man, distruaght over the closing of a library.



Notice he didn't mention reading at the library or borrowing a book that changed his life or hooking up with Suzy Cheerleader in the parking lot during high school or meeting his wife or anything. Nothing of the sort. They're closing a library in his old hometown, where he used to play football, live on Decatur street, and where he's now a carpenter who sounds like Mickey Mouse. Pretty much everything but reading or visiting the library.

Winners of the coveted BBCOMWA will receive a complimentary Guinness beer should we ever meet. Guinness is in no way, shape or form affiliated with either Bill's Baloney nor the BBCOMWA honor. It's just damn tasty beer. Brilliant!

Playoffs!?! Playoffs?!?!?!

Most standard faux football leagues start playoffs this week. So if you're a big enough kook and you think little fake football trophies are your birthright, then the commencement of the playoffs is like, well, (Coming Home).



Melvin Eats Blubber
Record: 6-7, 5th place of 8 teams

This is the last week before playoffs. Top 4 teams go on to the Championship round of the playoffs. This team has been a maddening, inconsistent, occasional tour de force this year. Five weeks ago, I lost to the 2nd place team. The week after, I thought I'd knocked off the top team until Yahoo "took it back". I followed this up by stomping a cellar dweller. I then followed that up by coughing up a big lead against the third place team, losing by two. I use the term coughing up because of a couple of questionable roster decisions. I followed that up with a loss to the sixth place team. If I roll my studs out every week instead of occasionally gambling on someone who could explode, I probably win 3-4 times in the last five weeks and I'm locked in as the #3 seed, just the place I want to be.

Instead, I'm down to one last chance. I play the team currently occupying the fourth and final spot in the playoff bracket that matters. There's a one game difference in our records, and I have the tie-breaker of points scored for the season. The mission is simple: win and I'm in. For whatever it's worth, I'm a 22 point favorite to pull it off.

Tobias Is Queen Mary
Record: 8-5, 3rd place of 10 teams

I'm currently riding a 4 came winning streak, tops in the league. Weird how that pretty much corresponds with Tony Homo coming back and giving me more consistent QB play. I've already clinched a spot and am probably going to be playing a team that, at best, is 7-7. I'm the highest scoring team in the league by about 230 points for the season and I feel like I'm peaking at a good time. I'm a 56 point favorite this week.

Triple Midgetation
Record: 11-2, 1st of 12 teams

The playoffs have arrived. I wrapped up the regular season on top of the heap here, leading the league in not just record, but also total points (by 10). I enter the playoffs on a 4 game winning streak, and I've won 9 of my last 10, with the lone loss being something of a fluke (lost by 4 points, other guy had two guys play out of their minds).

As proven as my squad is, I'm a little sick by the dilemma I face this week. The question is what do I do about Tony Romo? Dallas plays at Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh's defense is the class of the league and playing in Pittsburgh this time of year means snow or a field so sloppy it stops being turf and is more like Campbell's Chunky Soup. Passing games tend to suffer against Pittsburgh's defense, and they suffer even more when players are running and cutting in a bog. Tyler Thigpen is projected to put out similar results as Homo, but he plays at Denver, against a lousy Broncos defense, in a game Kansas City figures to trail most of the time. Seems like a recipe for lots of passing. Denver also sucks covering the tight end, and Tony Gonzalez is the finest pass-catching TE in the history of the NFL.

If this were a closer looking game, I might be inclined to ride my star player and let the chips fall where they may. But since my opponent somehow made the playoffs with a 6-7 record and I'm a 32 point favorite (125-93) in a game where the league average is in the high 80's, I'm going with Thigpen.

Swingin' Dude Club League
Team: Dr. Funke
Record: 8-4, 3rd of 12 teams
Team: Frank the Tank
Record: 11-1, 1st of 12 teams

First round of the playoffs, and Frank the Tank earned a bye, while Dr. Funke squares off with a team that eeked into the playoffs with a 6-6 record on the back of a tiebreaker. Not much to be said here. Dr. Funke is a 25 point favorite, which isn't huge, but still substantial.

Soul-Crushing Video for Animal Lovers After the Jump

I found this video of some digusting foreign land where vehicles with room to move over or slow down to avoid hitting a dog that's wandered onto some sort of a freeway don't.

http://buzzfeed.com/mjs538/dog-saves-dog-bu

Instead, they just plow through the thing. Looks like it gets hit and bounced around a couple of times. Then, another dog wanders out into traffic, bites onto his fallen comrade's carcass and drags him to the shoulder of the road.

This makes me want to punt Michael Vick in the balls.

This Could Only Happen To Me

So I've sort of been cheating on Stupid Bowl '09. I'm not anxious to fight the elements this year and I bought an efficient little oil-filled radiator heater. I've had my heat on, but just so my plumbing doesn't freeze. I've had it pegged at 50 degrees. It's kicked on exactly two times so far this year. Last night, it gets down to like twenty degrees, maybe in the high teens.

My alarm goes off at 6:35am. It's bad enough waking up after a four-day turkey filled weekend. But I start to situp and realize it's too cold to move. I strongly reconsider going back to sleep until 8. By about 6:42, I've talked myself into getting up. It's freezing in my place. I stumble out of my bedroom and around the corner to the living room.

There, my front door stands cracked open by about 8 inches. I can see that it's snowing outside and we're just past dawn. Wonderful. My creaky vocal cords muster up a "What the fuck?" and I go slam the door shut. It's still locked, but apparently, a pressure change or strong gust of wind popped it open when I didn't get it fully shut after taking the trash out around 9:30 last night.

So I check the thermostat. The setting lever goes down to 50 degrees, but the temperature indicator only goes down to 50 too. So my plan of having the heat kick on only if things dip below 50 is a massive FAIL because the temperature will never drop below 50. Seems like a poor design for anyone out there who sees heat as a wasted resource, one not worth splurging for if my comfort is the only one to be concerned within the place.

I cranked it up to 65 and went to take a shower. As soon as I got out I put on a shirt and an Illinois fleece I have. I was walking around finding the rest of my clothing to wear today with my cock rubbing against the inside of my fleece, which hung lower than my shirt. It was just weird. Luckily, the place was still too cold to arouse me.